The Gospel of Headaches

In the beginning was Migraine. And G-d saw that it was bad. And for many centuries His people suffered and cried out for succor.

And so G-d commanded Man to maketh of the bark of the white willow tree a broth, and to seethe it for numerous hours until there be rendered a fine white powder. And thus was acetylsalicylic acid begotten, which Man named Aspirin. 

And lo! Man now found himself plagued with gastrointestinal torment and disorders of an internal hemorrhagic ilk, and in the ears was heard a strange ring. And G-d saw that Migraine still bedeviled His people. 

So G-d created Cluster headaches to distract the people from Migraine. And G-d saw that it too was bad. So He proclaimed, "Let there be Doctors!" And so it came to be that a Doctor was required to rule between Migraine and Cluster, lest a man believe he suffers from one but indeed be possessed of the other. 

And the Doctors held cleverly and talked amongst themselves, presuming to be out of earshot of G-d and His people.  And the cleverest amongst them spoke, avowing, "Who sayeth that the Divine taxonomy of headaches should number only two? Are we not Doctors, to whom G-d hath given dominion over the Contagions, and over the Ailments, and over all the Maladies and Disorders, and over the Syndromes, even to the least of the aches and itches and discomforts?" to which there was sizeable acclamation. And the clever one stayed further his discourse, proclaiming, "Let us hence go forward. Let us be indefatigable in our quest. And let us not enjoy repose—apart from the Sabbath, of course, and for the day preceding the Sabbath and, too, the day that follows the Sabbath—until we have categorized oodles of headaches, such that every Man and Woman and their progeny shall each be afflicted uniquely."

And it came to pass that the multitudes did suffer from headaches by the score, and G-d felt their pain. And He commanded, Let there be Drugs! And there were Drugs, which henceforth became known as pharmaceuticals, as it was proclaimed that among syllables five was superior to one.

And the pharmaceuticals increased in numbers exponential. And as the pharmaceuticals multiplied, so proportionately did the agony of G-d's people. And G-d saw that it really sucked. 

And G-d was angry, and He cried out in His anger, "Is there not one who can cure the afflicted without ministrations of a chemical nature?" 

But G-d's remonstration was met with quietude, for all the headaches of all G-d's people had caused them to take to their beds, and to pull their blankets up over their heads, so as to ease their photophobia, and to insert all manner of fabric into their ears, so as to allay their phonophobia. And there was no one to hear the anguished plea of the Lord on that day.

So G-d thought He must create one who suffered not from headaches. A man who was afflicted not by Migraine, nor of Cluster, nor of Cervicogenic, nor of Myofascial. One who suffered neither from the headache known as Tension-type, nor from the other kind called Tension to which the word type was not affixed, yet was otherwise indistinguishable from it. One who did not consume Drugs, and was thus spared the infirmities that cometh of the pharmaceuticals. Strong of body and pure of mind came forth this man. And he was called Palmer. And he was good.